Grief.

Grief, the absolute worst, most depressing, so unbearable, heaviest, hardest feeling in the world. I hate it, as I absolutely hate goodbyes. You might think I’m well experienced with this feeling, knowing I have lost more than a dozen of people who had an impact on my life, to the other side. I have moved to many places and different cities which meant I had to say goodbye to a lot of homes, comfort or ‘feeling at home’ feelings. Have worked so many different jobs and at different locations which means I also have left an enormous number of places and their people and environments. Have family on two opposite sides of the world, so I’m never complete and am always missing someone with each arrival or goodbye. Have switched friend groups or close friends so often, due to new locations or new versions of myself, that I sometimes don’t even know how to continue to keep up with all these relationships and the never-ending goodbyes. Have changed interests or needs almost every season which always follow with releasing things that used to excite me. Have had several work contracts, vacations or travels where I had the most amazing time with people and then we went our separate ways again. Have had fun, adventures, or feelings with the opposite sex where my heart cracked open each time these chapters came to an ending (yes, I’m that girl that loves too much and too hard.) Or simply losing a loved one which now makes you not being able to cuddle the person you want to cuddle anymore when you feel most in need to have them by your side. And, not being able to fulfill this desire is truly the loneliest feeling ever. All of these examples above involve grief, letting go and are followed with a major determination to an intense healing season.

There are different levels of feeling the pain of grief and everybody griefs different. I will be the last to tell you how you should or shouldn’t grief. Yet I have decided to share here what helps me whenever I grief, in the hope that whenever you are at your lowest low you can receive some guidance and feel some support. I hope these words are able to inspire you to keep the hope and faith to go on. We live in a time where science is doing their absolute best to make us live as long as we can. Yet feelings and emotions make us want to. But, whenever you are in a grieving season, it’s sometimes very hard and almost unthinkable to find any reason or feelings to truly do or want to. The emotions become sometimes so heavy that the feelings of giving up are way more present than the feelings of wanting to live. Yet, I want you to know, on the other side of these lows are your big highs. They are so magical which is actually the reason of this pain. If you didn’t feel so much love or hadn’t had so much fun with this person or within this situation, you wouldn’t be able to feel the dept of this pain. If your heart or feelings weren’t involved with it in the first place, then it wouldn’t be able to have such an effect on you, like it does, in the second place. And, who doesn’t want to feel all this love in their heart? Of course, you want to feel all this joy and love, you would be stupid if you didn’t allow yourself to. Unfortunately, with this risk; the more love, the more pain when the love is gone, and that sucks and is super painful.

But I believe the joy, the love and the connection, is exactly why you experience living life as a human. This is why I believe, it’s so important to not run away from grief but to face and feel it. To sit in it. To go through it while facing your pain so you can heal from it. The more you allow yourself to simple be, as this is sometimes all you actually and only could do. The more and ‘at ease’ this process will be. The sooner you will be able to look back at all the loss with love and will be able to feel reloaded to live life again. This time for you, maybe also for the person who you no longer can share it with, or simply because you realize how fragile and hard life can be, which is why you choose to live it to the fullest as you’re aware now that you shouldn’t take anybody, anything or any moment for granted.

Whenever I am at my deepest point of grief, I truly feel empty, heavy, broken and drained. A lot of time, I feel deep pain followed with anger, as sadness and anger go together often, which then follows with what I relate to as feeling depressed, down and defeated. This is the moment whenever I no longer am able to share, give or flow any energy out of me anymore which is why I try to choose to do things or be with people who are able to reload my energy without having any expectations and only appreciation. Examples of these are sleeping, resting, watching tv, reading a book, listening to a podcast, listening to music, sitting in the sun, doing yoga (if I can even move), stretching, swimming in the ocean, going for a walk, co-existing with my people or cuddling and holding hands.

I have learned through life that we as humans hold all the tools we need, to heal ourselves. Through conscious choice and awareness, we are 100% able and capable to get ourselves whole again as long we truly listen to our body, needs and our intuition. It’s very important in this period to not do anything that doesn’t feel good. To always listen to yourself and your body and your needs. If you don’t, you only post pone your healing. In this period of time, it’s very important to surround yourself with nature and energy givers. Examples of energy givers are: sunshine, fresh air, meditation, hydration, movement, rest, music and healthy food.

Nature holds so much power and healing, it's truly wonderful. Sitting in the sun, for example, heals, charges, warms and nourishes. Chilling or dancing under the moon helps you with manifesting, rebirthing, clearing, boosting your energy or enhancing your intuition. The forest grounds, balances, connects and stabilizes. And the ocean cleanses, refreshes and releases. That said, your body knows best and sometimes the most productive thing to do is simple to rest by laying on the floor, on the couch or in your bed.

A few weeks ago, I lost a loved one to the other side and I caved (stayed in my room/house) mostly while laying like a useless potato in bed watching all seasons of the serie ‘after life’ on Netflix. It was a bit of a dark comedy, where grief and losing a loved one was a big part of the show. Yet it was filled with nuggets of wisdom about life which reminded me why life is so special. As much as it was a dark comedy, it still was able to make me smile here in there which is why I think I really ‘enjoyed’ watching this in such a dark season of life. The serie was relatable, made me cry, made me laugh, distracted me, gave me wisdom and at the same time helped me get through the day. I’m not saying these episodes will do the same for you (warning: there is a lot of swearing in this serie, so might trigger you), but the main reason I’m writing this is that I hope I can guide you to choose simply something to watch which aligns with the feelings you are feeling or the feelings you are craving or desiring, to help you rest and heal. I know Disney movies always work great for me during these periods too.

Beside doing meditations, I love to meditate within these periods while sitting in my surrender pose aka child pose (yoga) on the floor or on my bed. Doing my meditations in child pose, show my body, mind and soul that I am full heartly surrendering to my feelings, this grieving chapter and to the Devine. (Remember no matter how painful and heavy your feelings feel, feelings are never final.) For whatever reason, holding this pose helps me more than you can even imagine and helps my mind to move away from my overthinking and instead surrendering back into the present moment and into faith.

I truly belief with grief that there is no one size fits all book for this but I hope that these nuggets of information may help you. I hope you allow yourself to sit in your feelings instead of distracting and running away from them. Whenever grief shows up, cause it will continue to show up randomly too, don’t push it away. Let yourself feel it all. I want to advise you to never put an end date on your grieving process as this is truly a feeling which will continue to come and go in waves just like the missing will never really totally go away. Allow yourself to take the time you need until it doesn’t become a priority anymore. I want to remind you, life is truly worth living and you deserve to feel happy. Which is why I hope you allow yourself to get there again, one day at a time, and as ‘easy and smooth’ as possible. Which is often only possible through feeling it out which feels in the moment, everything but easy.

Please, if you are reading this while being in a season of grief, give yourself some credit. Trying to grow while trying to heal or trying to move forward while you’re trying to let go is one of the hardest things of life. On top of this, you’re still trying to love others all while you’re trying to love yourself and therefore, I am here to tell you, you’re doing the best you can and that itself is enough.

Don’t be too hard on yourself and know, there’s no reason to feel guilty about not being able to show up the way you might want to. Be kind to yourself and accept that resting might be your biggest and only task of the day today. And guess what, that’s all ok! You are entitled to do what you can even if this means you aren’t able to do anything within this moment. Healing yourself is and should be your biggest and only priority right now. 

As I mentioned earlier, grief comes in all shapes, colors and forms. Grief doesn’t only show up when you lose a loved one, it’s also possible you will feel grief too when you:

• Realize you no longer are the same person you were before
• Start to want different things than you used to
• Enter a new season of life
• Go through a (friendship)-breakup or divorce
• Outgrow a relationship
• Missed out on an opportunity you looked forward to
• Witness trauma or tragedy
• Move to a new place
• Become a parent or miss out on the opportunity to become a parent
• Loose your pet

 Any deep pain, misery or sorrow goes often hand in hand with grief and simply allowing yourself to go through all the stages of grief is the key to getting through.

The 7 stages of grief are

• Shock and denial
• Pain and guilt
• Anger and bargaining
• Depression
• The upward turn
• Reconstruction and working through
• Acceptance and hope

Whatever stage you go through or are currently in, please don’t hide your emotions. Talk, cry, feel, rest and let them be. Find the support you need and create rituals (I love to sit in the shower and simply cry until I’m tired of crying) which help you get through. Whatever your grief experience is like, be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold in the most natural, personal and healing way.

During this period, you may be surrounded with triggers which remind you heavily of your loss. Overtime, you will see, you will be able to adapt and these triggers will slowly involve fewer negative emotions or reactions and turn into beautiful moments of grateful memories.

Last but not least, I want to remind you; love heals and love is around you, anywhere and anytime. I believe there is more love in the air than oxygen when you allow yourself to see the love and feel the love. Do your best to surround yourself with the love that’s near you and love yourself a little extra during these days too. Don’t be afraid to come across needy and call or be with your love sources as much as you need to. Just like, it is also totally ok to say no to everybody and anybody and to simply choose to love yourself first by choosing to spend some time alone and away.

Relax, rest, take it one day at a time, and I hope you know your days will become lighter and brighter, sooner than later.

Sending a big digital cuddle full of healing love to you. It may be hard to imagine right now but trust and believe the sun will shine again. I believe, you got this and I believe it will.

“Beautiful days do not come to you. You must walk towards them” - Rumi