Let Go of Desperate duct Tape

I have changed. I look at the world differently, I connect in a different way, I have grown. I finally have realized the assignment of self-love, the lessons of true connections, the understanding of: I’m giving something of me to you so I can help you, and you give something of you to me, so you can help me, has to be equal – not all the time, but most of the time. I’ve finally learned the understanding that people are truly in your life for a lesson, a season or a lifetime. Not everyone is meant to stay. Not everybody is healthy for you in this present moment. Maybe at the time you were connecting deeply, but now that you are a new version of yourself, you may have outgrown some people. Some might be inspired and catch up, but many won’t. Maybe you simply don’t have the same interests or needs anymore. Maybe the relationship is out of balance. Maybe you learned your lesson and now your 'soul contract’ is over.

This realization can be painful or doesn’t always align with the programs you installed in yourself, just like I always believed my friends were for life. I always did anything to continue to invest in my friendships, simply to keep them alive, as I never wanted to be a ‘bad friend,’ to the extent that I felt like I tried to be a ‘good and healthy friend’ to many, while I did not consider everyone to be a good or healthy friend to me. This was not all consciously, of course, but the more I keep evolving, the clearer these realizations become.

I don’t believe anybody intentionally tries to be a ‘bad friend’ (most times) but these past few years a lot has changed and I have gone through quite some friendship break-ups. Sometimes because of distance, sometimes because of specific events, sometimes because it was truly needed, as I’ve added a lot of new, more aligned people into my life, and therefore it’s impossible to keep up with the less aligned ones. Sometimes, the season was simply over or they triggered me enough so I could learn my lesson (oftentimes about growing self-love and setting boundaries), and once I learned this lesson, there was no need for us to continue going through life together any longer.

Each time you allow somebody into your energetic field, you are creating an energetic connection with them. And if you’re not aware, you will absorb their energy, programs, habits, beliefs and so much more. I’ve learned that it’s necessary to create awareness around who you hang out with because if you don’t, you are also allowing their emotional and energy baggage to add to yours. This isn’t so bad when your morals and values align, when you are both open minded enough to grow together or when they do the work: letting go of what no longer serves them, investing in their self-care, continuing to build new, healthy habits. But when their baggage or energy becomes too heavy to carry for you too, it isn’t right or healthy anymore.

Because of this transformation that I have been feeling inside and with those around me, I decided to start categorizing my people. I know this sounds a bit weird, but truly knowing in what category I have them makes it easier for me to not lose myself, to know who to go to when and with what, to know who I stop my life for and who can wait on the bench, to know who uplifts, recharges and energizes me truly and to be aware who isn’t healthy for me any longer.

• Soul tribe

My soul tribe are my soldiers and they uphold me to a high standard. They don’t treat me lightly after my mistakes and aren’t afraid to call me out. Your soul tribe will speak up when you go off track (’cause if they don’t, are they even genuinely in your corner?) and aren’t afraid to avoid the hard truth and don’t tiptoe around your flaws. Yet everything they do or say comes from a place of unconditional love. Your connection is an instant connection and flows and is easy. They make you feel free, and it’s a connection beyond blood, as you intuitively understand each other. No judgment. You know you will have them in your life for life as you both teach and inspire each other so much through your unconditional support and comfort for and to each other. It’s true love and support at the most perfect times. You always energize and recharge each other equally without even trying. You can effortlessly co-exist with them, at any time.

I have realized, though, that you can divide your soul tribe into two sections: your soulmates and your soul family. Your soulmates are the people within your soul tribe who are very similar to you, and it’s a bond based on shared vibes, energy and personality traits. It’s an instant connection, like you have known each other for a lifetime.

Your soul family stands for the same things I’ve mentioned about your soul tribe, but your vibe, energy and personality can be different. Your morals and values do align and you both still operate from a place of truth, honesty and pure love. It’s a very natural connection and you simply know you both are healthy for each other and support each other more than life. There’s a big level of understanding, compassion, respect and love for each other, and things flow and are super easy, yet you can be very different people. You know you will have your soul family in your life for life, as you both teach and inspire each other so much through your support and comfort for one another.

Your relationship with your soul tribe is very easy and it’s almost like you’re made from the same cloth, no matter the difference in energy or personality. You experience a feeling of home when you’re around them because they get you. Respect and unconditional love are the main foundations of these connections.

• Gun factor / Cheerleaders

You’re very different from each other, but there’s a lot of love and joy in this relationship. You know they mean the best for you and you wish the best for them. They are the people that might not be your first go to’s, but you’re willing to celebrate life and spend time with them often. You want the best for them, as you know and see their hearts. 

‘Gun factor’ is a word I made up and it comes from the Dutch verb ‘gunnen’. It doesn’t have a direct translation into English but I will try to explain the definition of ‘gunnen’ in its best way. ‘Gunnen’ stands for finding happiness in someone else’s happiness because that’s how much you love them. This is the reason I categorize this section as ‘Gun factor,’ as that’s truly the definition of the foundational feeling you have for the people in this category.

The ‘gun factor / cheerleaders’ are good people with good vibes, made from a different cloth, and therefore they could be very different from you. You can have different personalities, looks, interest or backgrounds, but no matter what, you just always have a lot of fun with them, feel supported by them and are connected to them. It is very comfortable and feels almost like family. You love celebrating your highs with them and know they will be there to comfort you during your lows too. They simply know how to put a smile on your face, and your intentions are pure for one another. 

Be careful to not fall for the ‘Shadow of Cheerleaders,’ as these are the people that look like your cheerleaders, but when it comes down to them having to stand up for you, they won’t. They don’t have a backbone, and they don’t speak up to defend you when you’re not in the room or when people talk badly about you. These are the people whose voices quieten down when you stray from yourself, even though they will be the first in line when you’re ready to pop your champagne to celebrate your life’s success.

Your gun factor / cheerleaders aren’t like your soul family, yet they create and add a lot of comfort, joy and happiness to your life.

• 3 lunches a year / acquaintances

This section is for all your acquaintances or the people you used to be friends with but that now feel more like acquaintances, even though you may still call them friends. They just don’t feel like friends anymore. You simply grew apart, don’t have much in common anymore or you can’t really remember the last time you truly had a lot of fun with them. The greatest times you’ve had together are often only in your past, and when you do connect in the present, you feel like the ‘fun’ mostly depends on you. You realize you oftentimes hang out more for them than for yourself. Therefore, you know exactly what to expect from the meet-ups, and it feels more like you hang out out of habit than truly out of desire.

That said, you still have love for them, which is why you slowly add these people to the category of ‘3 lunches a year’ to catch up about life and recollect memories, but this connection isn’t a big priority to you anymore. You don’t deeply connect to them anymore and they don’t connect to the current version of yourself anymore either. Your ‘3 lunches a year’ people often remind you of the younger versions of yourself.

• Desperate duct tape / #desperateducttape

Some of these people might cross over a little with the ‘3 lunches a year’ category already, even though your ‘desperate duct tape people’ are the heavy hitters. You know every time you meet up, you meet up for them and not really for yourself, but for some reason, you just don’t have it in you to say no to them (yet). Nonetheless, they truly suck you dry. When you don’t bring the energy, there is no energy available at all. You may help them light up their lights, but without your light around, it gets pretty dark and heavy. You simply pour and they receive. You still have them in your life, but have you ever wondered why?

You may think you don’t mind helping them shine a little extra, but you slowly have reached your breaking point of pouring and they start to feel like desperate duct tape: glued to you even though there is no longer a win for you in this connection. The more they stick, the more you feel trapped, and slowly you have to come to the realization that you grew apart or are no longer healthy for each other. The energy exchange isn’t fair or equal anymore, and therefore this category of people are the first people I advise you to let go of.

If you want to move forward in life, you truly have to let go of anybody who isn’t good for you anymore (and this can be so hard!). You will know who these people in your life are, as their energy feels heavy to you. And only when you let go of this heaviness do you create space for better, more aligned people to attract into your life. And then you will notice, the more you let go of your desperate duct tape people, the more soul tribe people you will attract!

I want to remind you: real friends confront you with the truth, yet stand by your side as you face it. They speak with clarity to your face, as they believe in your potential. Seek and attract those who stay true not just in moments of comfort and convenience but when it truly matters. I’ve learned that being in control of your energetic connections comes with maturity, and it’s simply not healthy to hang out with everybody and anybody. Honor your energy and be aware of who you choose to hang out with. 

If it isn’t authentic, it isn’t sustainable, and only when you truly can be yourself do you belong. When you try to force the connection or try to be like the others, you’re trying to fit in, and then you never act from authenticity, which means you will hit your breaking point sooner or later.

In life, it’s not about your destination and more about who is walking beside you during the journey. Who can you count on? Who adds joy to your life? Who will be the one you gladly pop your bottles of champagne with, and are these the same people who will do anything to get you out of trouble? Are these the people that will mention your name in rooms of opportunity when you’re not around?

The more authentic you are, the more authentic your connections will be. Vibes attract vibes, and therefore you will notice that awkward connections barely exist anymore in your life the moment you stick to this truth, your truth.

"The best part of being authentic is that there is no image to maintain. Therefore, you will delight some and disturb others, and none of it will concern the truth of your being." - @thirdeyethoughs

You’re not for everyone, and it’s time to let that be your superpower.