My Disease to Please

Wow, the amount of growth I feel within myself happening each day! Every day, I learn to accept myself, and all of me, a little more, and dare to let go of anything that doesn’t serve me any longer. One of those things which was ranking high on my letting-go list was my disease to please.

Gosh, for almost 34 years, this was printed in my DNA, even though I learned how to please since the day I was born, as I was raised by the most thoughtful and considerate family – almost too considerate sometimes, if you ask me, as we would be winning gold in the Olympics when it comes down to putting other people’s needs above our own... then, add the bonus of being empathic and majorly intuitive on top of this, and I basically learned how to people please (call me a fixer) for the most part of my life. Over time, I learned this isn’t always as healthy as I thought, as I believe there are two different intentions behind people pleasing, and whenever your intention isn’t love, you are becoming out of balance. Nevertheless, it did teach me how beautiful it is to think of others too, as long as I don’t surpass myself with the over giving in time, energy or material stuff.

Over the years and from experience, I discovered that there is a difference between pleasing from a place of fear and pleasing from a place of love. The moment you “please” and are leaning more towards the negative feeling of this action, you are actually operating from fear, as you don’t do this for yourself/another but you do it for the ego instead of the soul. When you do it for the ego, your reason is more about how the other receives you or sees you (or sometimes simply out of a “bad” habit), instead of purely doing this as a good person with a good, thoughtful heart at the core. In other words, if you really think about it, “pleasing out of fear” is now actually becoming closer to manipulation. You want to manipulate their image of you, or, whenever it’s the other way around and is based on manipulation, they want to manipulate your image of them. And whenever manipulation becomes part of a cycle, you are never operating from love.

But, when you “please with love” for somebody, you do everything from love, from your soul, because you have a good, considerate heart… you are stepping away from the disease and are moving your intentions from “your disease to please” to “pleasing with love.” You are now entering a space where you prioritize their needs as much as your own (not in spite of your own). You enter the beautiful energy exchange where you can meet each other in the middle as your beautiful soul sees their beautiful soul and the other way around. Because your souls have so much love to give, share and care, you love to go above and beyond to help the other one, as, deep in your core, you believe this person deserves this, and your heart simply tells you to do so. Within these moments, your energy exchange is healthy and equal, as it’s no longer draining you, which now helps you to move away from the disease into this satisfying feeling, which actually gives you loads of energy (you overflow like a fountain) instead of it being drained out of you. (Saying YES when you truly mean NO leads to resentment, which is the biggest energy drain of life.)

I believe that consideration and thoughtfulness is one of the most beautiful love languages. Being empathic and thinking about or caring for others’ feelings is one of the best qualities a human can have, if you ask me. Considering another person is a beautiful character trait I wish more people had. Going the extra mile to make somebody else’s life easier, being willing to bring extra food and drinks home or to a person, surprising someone with flowers, picking somebody up after a long day of work, holding space to ask them how they truly are feeling, or simply in general just caring about how your actions can affect another person in a positive way and their feelings, is just such a beautiful quality of humanity to me.

Yet, I have learned that I no longer have to consider other people’s feelings more than my own. I love being a considerate, thoughtful, nurturing person. Yet, I’ve come to the point in my life where I believe not everyone deserves all of me and all my thoughtful energy, all the time. This may sound cruel, but let me explain.

As much as I believe that my people-pleasing came more often from the right intentions in my heart, I also learned that I allowed others (this was my own responsibility, though) to cross my boundaries way too often, as unconsciously, my soul sometimes moved away from soul to ego and tried to keep up with my ego image of being somebody people can count on, no matter what my own needs are. And, these last words are the problem. “No matter what my own needs are.”  Now that I am aware of this, I’m more conscious of who I choose to continue to be all that for (this choice is based on a feeling in my gut and heart or the connection) and who I no longer feel responsible for. And whenever I no longer do so, I often know I have made the right choice, when my heart fills up with peace after this decision instead of stress or irritation. In those moments, I’m not saying that me walking away is their loss, but I do know it’s no longer mine.

The more I care for myself, others may think I’m more selfish. Yet I believe I simply learn how to stand in my strength and how to take care of myself and my boundaries better. As I’ve now learned and experienced, boundaries are the distance at which I love you, and me, at the same time. And whenever this distance is equal, so is the level of understanding and the respect.

Nowadays, when I stay true to myself and no longer allow myself to love another more than myself, by putting their needs above my own, I feel more peace in my life. Whenever I do notice that I feel triggered into this feeling of pleasing from a place of fear, I become aware, release and keep my peace. (Because if I don't, my energy field will become porous and I'm left feeling empty, resentful, depleted, or taken advantage of.) This feels uncomfortable in the beginning, but the more you practice this, the more at ease it will make you feel.

Did you know, saying NO and having clear boundaries is actually a spiritual act?!

Whenever you start looking out for yourself, you might be triggered to feel some guilt. (Reflection: in that case, the trigger is more a “me-problem:” a problem where you’re responsible to find the solution, rather than a “you-problem:” a problem another is responsible to find the solution for.) The guilt may arise, as you may feel like you are betraying them with this feeling of prioritizing, your self-love (just as much as your love for them), is new to you. Yet, I’m here to remind you; whenever you start looking out for yourself, there is no betrayal involved. You really aren’t selfish for taking care of yourself first. And, I believe and have experienced, “the right people” won’t be able to trigger you into feeling guilty and will simply understand your choices. (In the case that they still do and are your people... then this is simply a mirror for you to dive a lil deeper into your healing to find out why they are able to trigger you so deeply.)

Whenever I feel like I would cross my own boundaries or push myself out of balance, I debate and remind myself about if something is a “me-problem” or if something is sounding more like a “you-problem.” This may sound really cold, but it’s helping me to not always feel responsible to please anybody and anything or to jump in with the mindset to “fix another’s problem” at all times. Instead, I wonder, is it really my problem to fix or am I just used to making it my responsibility to fix it? By dividing the problems which arise into me-problems and you-problems, it’s helping me figure out if I’m capable to be there for somebody.

• Can I love me and them equally when I help them out?
• Do I feel like they deserve my energy and time as a stranger, friend, lover or family member?
• Am I willing to go above and beyond for them or do I prefer to release and keep the inner peace?

Whenever you’re used to showing up in a certain way, it will take not just yourself but also the people around you some time to adjust to this new version of you. Also, people might misunderstand you sometimes within those moments and think you come across rude if you decide to say no. (Reminder: “No” is a full sentence.) But, guess what? People who are not in alignment with your journey will most likely misunderstand you and your intentions anyway, and that’s all ok. As long as you don’t betray yourself, I believe you will walk the right path. 

I’m truly more interested (always have been but now even more) in how my life feels to me than what it looks like, and therefore, when it feels right to me, I will do it right. And, when it doesn’t, I will no longer keep up my ego-image of a “pleasing person.” Pleasing with love, straight from the soul, is the only way you will catch me “pleasing” from now on.

I did realize that in order to break the fear-based people-pleasing pattern, we must learn how to sit with discomfort (instead of reacting to it).

This discomfort can be translated into:

• The discomfort of others being unhappy with you
• The discomfort of letting others find the solutions to their own problems (only jumping in when you believe you are capable of doing it with ease while keeping the space of loving them and yourself equally)
• The discomfort of watching someone live through their own karma so they can learn their own lessons
• The discomfort of having difficult conversations and setting tough boundaries with your inner circle or strangers
• The discomfort of realizing other people’s happiness isn’t your responsibility, but your own happiness is.

I believe, true self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what's left of you. These were tough, uncomfortable lessons to learn, but very necessary and I feel like my brain and heart are slowly, but finally, finding the right rhythm within my people-pleasing habits. Now, the beauty is, whenever I decide to please with love, it’s not only uplifting the person I help but it’s also giving me a glow that can’t be dimmed, as I feel in every cell of my body that this glow is happening because the source of my pleasing with love is coming from no other place than my heart. It’s coming from within and it’s all about how good it feels to me and to others equally.

PLEASING WITH LOVE, only, is the sentence of the year. 
 

*If you enjoyed this blog you may also be inspired by: "Giving; it's not just a gift."

https://www.solangezindzi.com/blog/giving-it-s-not-just-a-gift